The Rush

Oh so why does the world not respect the heart ! Why is everyone rushing to work with the mind.

It took me just a decade to revive and acknowledge that I don't feel and when I did feel again - I was shown that oh my my - its always the mind ! so then yes mind it is and mind it will be .. when you feel you hurt .. when you think you win - and winning is a high that no love can ever give ! after all I am junkie that loves the high of adrenalin and I live for the highs ..so yes if a little love happens along the way and you feel a little for the  moment - then I guess its just an incentive - but the corporate trained mind functions the best - and is the most productive ..

I can't believe how glad I am to be regaining my strength - for the world only wants to feed off your strength - no-one will hold you while you are weak - so even for you, to be want to be held - be strong !

When I type these things I don't know who I am becoming - my mom mentioned this time that I don't talk anymore - but I do talk to you ! I am searching for the next level of growth for my soul perhaps ..

I don't want to be in a routine - yet that is utterly safe - I recently read that while on diet one shouldn't call a day of indulgence a cheat day - they should rather call it a reward day because thats what you need - you need rewards for all of what you let go in keeping up the ecosystem and sanity .

Yes I want to be somewhere else - the lack of self worth - it's new for someone who has been fairly confident .Am I to loose it in the name of standing out again - Why are people intimidated by the strong - is it not needed anymore - a thinking individual - is all they need is someone who would say yes . Very contradictory to personal relationships is the work life - how do you be both !

It's time to focus on little victories and major goals .

I don't know why you will no longer be heart - you will be a segment of my mind , you will always be there ,I will always be on guard - careful to not let you in - never !

My lines - are clear , my segments are aligned ! Thank you for teaching me !

Save Me

 In-affection is what I seek , how do I arrive at it with my heart so weak !

I am at a loss of word with my eccentricity , what it is that I want to feel !

What is it that my heart wants to secure - why am I so hurt !

My mind is fully aware with the arrangements and acing the act !

Congratulations as you withdraw I am going back - back to the same nonchalant being !

Back to engaging without feeling - I am demanding reality to feel less fake !

I am asking for black and white while I am playing in grey !

I recognise a broken heart and the pain and maybe I am trying to heal it because I don't want anyone to not feel and with that I am trying to fill my emptiness !

Who am I ?

Who am I ?

What are my morals ?

Why am I drifting - what do I want .. I am begging for life to save me !

I am not able to handle this wanderings and wanderlust because it visions collapse of a system !

I am collapsing trying to hold the structure - I am collapsing trying to structure what we have - I am collapsing trying to ask you something I don't even want !

I want to be loved for real !I Want to be saved for real !

IS there no-one who knows and cares ..my heart breaks and never dares ..

Grieving

"I know you want to hate me " he said .. " No ! I want to stab you " She said !

So you killed me again and you don't know you did ! 

You kept up those walls , those walls that keep you from me .. I don't know what is it that you hide ..

Is that soul so weak that it needs to hide behind chores - is the love so weak that it can only happen behind closed doors !

Why is there an expectation to understand what was never meant to be understood ,if there is so much analogy how will the heart function as it should .

You keep me at a distance for me to gaze ,and when your heart desires, you pull me close to admire my glaze..

I toy with my heart as it pains so much ,I don't think to hurt is love as such..

I hope you explored enough to not commit - I hope I gave enough to not omit !

If still not your soul then I don't belong here ..let me give you the knife and not stab you my dear - if you feel as I felt it's enough grief , I am leaving it with you ,it's yours to keep !

Forever

 So I will disappear .. For I don't see my sun and how do I reflect my lustre !

 So much of me is you and  I wonder if any of you is me .. So I hide you in my evenings and nights !

Life is not fiction and I realise that as I awake from a life that I have been sleep walking through !

You gave me the grit, to be cold .. as cold as you are .. how else I would be successful with a heart like mine !

I am keeping this virtue as a shameless cape !

My possible heart and passion have learnt to accept not longing.. 

Only a broken can value the cracks ..and only if cracked you need to conceal !

Are all smiles flawed and yet beautiful !

Get close to me and breathe ..I want to feel alive again .. for our souls to connect and play the game of love ! once more to lose to you and once more for you to be lost again ! When the lights go out and you breathe again .. I know your eyes long .. as they have forever ..I know your heart beats - as forever !

I know you are mine - forever !

Survival Guidance

As I draw a plan of recovery - I feel blank , I am not sure if I am genius or a dupe ! 

As I evolve ; the articles that I read are gaining more spiritual direction because what else can justify this illogical behaviour of wilful wrongness.

The more you read on the facts the more you feel caged and the more you question the walls that have been created.

They say you are free.. they say I am free !

If I am free then why have I not taken that flight and why am I still chained in my thoughts.

You want to challenge all that you have been nurtured with , you don't understand how can they make it look so easy and effortless and question the duality of ones life.

With a given few decades liveable left what is the meaning of fulfilment.

Should you achieve whatever you desire. My failures have always had an excuse of being righteous and honest but this time I feel burdened - why so !

I have lost my soul - my sense of being , nothing but a reflected smile as I mark the check list through my day and look for an excuse to be with the innocent where my mind can free and so can the heart as well.

My little wishes of holding on to nothing - so here I am inviting the chaos of life to hit me .Hit me with all those checklists and milestones that forever kill the connect between my mind and heart !

The mind is the only one which needs to survive ! The heart doesn't need to desire defeat; the heart doesn't need to desire fulfilment - the heart was never meant to be ! So you leave it in that room and walk away !

Walk away to the logic of survival ; walk and hold the whims of the next destination that perhaps might haunt less.

Why the pain !

Immerse yourself in the positive .

Immerse yourself in the constructive.

What are you running away from ... and what are you chasing !

There is something that only you know ! oh common don't lie .. your world stops ! yes it does !

The world stops for the fools ! and yes we are living in foolish times now where everything is breaking or creating - why this effort of trying to understand ! you don't have to understand everything ! it's ok to be foolish they say !

But thats not who I am - why accept anything and why not change !

In this limited time we have why do we accept the stuff quo - I refuse - because status quo is painful !

Status quo make me realise that people who don't take responsibility and wait for life to happen  are cowards !

Not everything is a failure or a success but the battle within in real - and yes battle and fight till you arrive ..

It's a difficult one cuz the war is within and its a painful one .

There are often no rules and reasons , and the fall is real just as real as the high was ..acknowledge defeat !

And surrender .. surrender because you know you want to loose because it's ok to loose and accept defeat because its your heart ! 

The pain is welcome because that pain was 'felt' and you wanted to 'feel' and now that you feel you don't know what to do with it ! you have forgotten how to process feelings and yes isn't growing up all to do with that where you forget feelings and accept the facts !

I am defeated - and locked ! 

Clouds ~~..

So today a random thought about the 'cloud' ..
With its unintended and unattended journey ..
With the wind drifting it into the infinity.. How does it feel..
Not sure here if I can associate with something which is not a living being .. But still a part of nature ..it maybe has no life ..but it supports life..
I feel heavy .. So should I pour ..is it the same the cloud feels ..
 Heavy.. And light .. Does it even feel.. The cloud has a life cycle ..
It is formed and somewhere towards the end its deformed .. has company of other clouds ..even has companions ..so may be some of them decide to travel to vegas !! And the others to himalayas .. And some untamed ones decide to play with the waves and cause hurricanes.. Cloud Expresses emotions in thunder and rain .. Up above when light and down below when heavy with drops ... Pours and feels lighter .. So are we all clouds .. Maybe someday be light enough to touch the periphery of space and see the magic ..magic of the different universe ... A gift may be for letting everything go ..be light enough without any drops.. If lucky and light  you may join too.. Drifting away .. Somewhere ..