The Rush

Oh so why does the world not respect the heart ! Why is everyone rushing to work with the mind.

It took me just a decade to revive and acknowledge that I don't feel and when I did feel again - I was shown that oh my my - its always the mind ! so then yes mind it is and mind it will be .. when you feel you hurt .. when you think you win - and winning is a high that no love can ever give ! after all I am junkie that loves the high of adrenalin and I live for the highs ..so yes if a little love happens along the way and you feel a little for the  moment - then I guess its just an incentive - but the corporate trained mind functions the best - and is the most productive ..

I can't believe how glad I am to be regaining my strength - for the world only wants to feed off your strength - no-one will hold you while you are weak - so even for you, to be want to be held - be strong !

When I type these things I don't know who I am becoming - my mom mentioned this time that I don't talk anymore - but I do talk to you ! I am searching for the next level of growth for my soul perhaps ..

I don't want to be in a routine - yet that is utterly safe - I recently read that while on diet one shouldn't call a day of indulgence a cheat day - they should rather call it a reward day because thats what you need - you need rewards for all of what you let go in keeping up the ecosystem and sanity .

Yes I want to be somewhere else - the lack of self worth - it's new for someone who has been fairly confident .Am I to loose it in the name of standing out again - Why are people intimidated by the strong - is it not needed anymore - a thinking individual - is all they need is someone who would say yes . Very contradictory to personal relationships is the work life - how do you be both !

It's time to focus on little victories and major goals .

I don't know why you will no longer be heart - you will be a segment of my mind , you will always be there ,I will always be on guard - careful to not let you in - never !

My lines - are clear , my segments are aligned ! Thank you for teaching me !

Save Me

 In-affection is what I seek , how do I arrive at it with my heart so weak !

I am at a loss of word with my eccentricity , what it is that I want to feel !

What is it that my heart wants to secure - why am I so hurt !

My mind is fully aware with the arrangements and acing the act !

Congratulations as you withdraw I am going back - back to the same nonchalant being !

Back to engaging without feeling - I am demanding reality to feel less fake !

I am asking for black and white while I am playing in grey !

I recognise a broken heart and the pain and maybe I am trying to heal it because I don't want anyone to not feel and with that I am trying to fill my emptiness !

Who am I ?

Who am I ?

What are my morals ?

Why am I drifting - what do I want .. I am begging for life to save me !

I am not able to handle this wanderings and wanderlust because it visions collapse of a system !

I am collapsing trying to hold the structure - I am collapsing trying to structure what we have - I am collapsing trying to ask you something I don't even want !

I want to be loved for real !I Want to be saved for real !

IS there no-one who knows and cares ..my heart breaks and never dares ..

Grieving

"I know you want to hate me " he said .. " No ! I want to stab you " She said !

So you killed me again and you don't know you did ! 

You kept up those walls , those walls that keep you from me .. I don't know what is it that you hide ..

Is that soul so weak that it needs to hide behind chores - is the love so weak that it can only happen behind closed doors !

Why is there an expectation to understand what was never meant to be understood ,if there is so much analogy how will the heart function as it should .

You keep me at a distance for me to gaze ,and when your heart desires, you pull me close to admire my glaze..

I toy with my heart as it pains so much ,I don't think to hurt is love as such..

I hope you explored enough to not commit - I hope I gave enough to not omit !

If still not your soul then I don't belong here ..let me give you the knife and not stab you my dear - if you feel as I felt it's enough grief , I am leaving it with you ,it's yours to keep !

Forever

 So I will disappear .. For I don't see my sun and how do I reflect my lustre !

 So much of me is you and  I wonder if any of you is me .. So I hide you in my evenings and nights !

Life is not fiction and I realise that as I awake from a life that I have been sleep walking through !

You gave me the grit, to be cold .. as cold as you are .. how else I would be successful with a heart like mine !

I am keeping this virtue as a shameless cape !

My possible heart and passion have learnt to accept not longing.. 

Only a broken can value the cracks ..and only if cracked you need to conceal !

Are all smiles flawed and yet beautiful !

Get close to me and breathe ..I want to feel alive again .. for our souls to connect and play the game of love ! once more to lose to you and once more for you to be lost again ! When the lights go out and you breathe again .. I know your eyes long .. as they have forever ..I know your heart beats - as forever !

I know you are mine - forever !