The Rush

Oh so why does the world not respect the heart ! Why is everyone rushing to work with the mind.

It took me just a decade to revive and acknowledge that I don't feel and when I did feel again - I was shown that oh my my - its always the mind ! so then yes mind it is and mind it will be .. when you feel you hurt .. when you think you win - and winning is a high that no love can ever give ! after all I am junkie that loves the high of adrenalin and I live for the highs ..so yes if a little love happens along the way and you feel a little for the  moment - then I guess its just an incentive - but the corporate trained mind functions the best - and is the most productive ..

I can't believe how glad I am to be regaining my strength - for the world only wants to feed off your strength - no-one will hold you while you are weak - so even for you, to be want to be held - be strong !

When I type these things I don't know who I am becoming - my mom mentioned this time that I don't talk anymore - but I do talk to you ! I am searching for the next level of growth for my soul perhaps ..

I don't want to be in a routine - yet that is utterly safe - I recently read that while on diet one shouldn't call a day of indulgence a cheat day - they should rather call it a reward day because thats what you need - you need rewards for all of what you let go in keeping up the ecosystem and sanity .

Yes I want to be somewhere else - the lack of self worth - it's new for someone who has been fairly confident .Am I to loose it in the name of standing out again - Why are people intimidated by the strong - is it not needed anymore - a thinking individual - is all they need is someone who would say yes . Very contradictory to personal relationships is the work life - how do you be both !

It's time to focus on little victories and major goals .

I don't know why you will no longer be heart - you will be a segment of my mind , you will always be there ,I will always be on guard - careful to not let you in - never !

My lines - are clear , my segments are aligned ! Thank you for teaching me !

Save Me

 In-affection is what I seek , how do I arrive at it with my heart so weak !

I am at a loss of word with my eccentricity , what it is that I want to feel !

What is it that my heart wants to secure - why am I so hurt !

My mind is fully aware with the arrangements and acing the act !

Congratulations as you withdraw I am going back - back to the same nonchalant being !

Back to engaging without feeling - I am demanding reality to feel less fake !

I am asking for black and white while I am playing in grey !

I recognise a broken heart and the pain and maybe I am trying to heal it because I don't want anyone to not feel and with that I am trying to fill my emptiness !

Who am I ?

Who am I ?

What are my morals ?

Why am I drifting - what do I want .. I am begging for life to save me !

I am not able to handle this wanderings and wanderlust because it visions collapse of a system !

I am collapsing trying to hold the structure - I am collapsing trying to structure what we have - I am collapsing trying to ask you something I don't even want !

I want to be loved for real !I Want to be saved for real !

IS there no-one who knows and cares ..my heart breaks and never dares ..

Grieving

"I know you want to hate me " he said .. " No ! I want to stab you " She said !

So you killed me again and you don't know you did ! 

You kept up those walls , those walls that keep you from me .. I don't know what is it that you hide ..

Is that soul so weak that it needs to hide behind chores - is the love so weak that it can only happen behind closed doors !

Why is there an expectation to understand what was never meant to be understood ,if there is so much analogy how will the heart function as it should .

You keep me at a distance for me to gaze ,and when your heart desires, you pull me close to admire my glaze..

I toy with my heart as it pains so much ,I don't think to hurt is love as such..

I hope you explored enough to not commit - I hope I gave enough to not omit !

If still not your soul then I don't belong here ..let me give you the knife and not stab you my dear - if you feel as I felt it's enough grief , I am leaving it with you ,it's yours to keep !

Forever

 So I will disappear .. For I don't see my sun and how do I reflect my lustre !

 So much of me is you and  I wonder if any of you is me .. So I hide you in my evenings and nights !

Life is not fiction and I realise that as I awake from a life that I have been sleep walking through !

You gave me the grit, to be cold .. as cold as you are .. how else I would be successful with a heart like mine !

I am keeping this virtue as a shameless cape !

My possible heart and passion have learnt to accept not longing.. 

Only a broken can value the cracks ..and only if cracked you need to conceal !

Are all smiles flawed and yet beautiful !

Get close to me and breathe ..I want to feel alive again .. for our souls to connect and play the game of love ! once more to lose to you and once more for you to be lost again ! When the lights go out and you breathe again .. I know your eyes long .. as they have forever ..I know your heart beats - as forever !

I know you are mine - forever !

Survival Guidance

As I draw a plan of recovery - I feel blank , I am not sure if I am genius or a dupe ! 

As I evolve ; the articles that I read are gaining more spiritual direction because what else can justify this illogical behaviour of wilful wrongness.

The more you read on the facts the more you feel caged and the more you question the walls that have been created.

They say you are free.. they say I am free !

If I am free then why have I not taken that flight and why am I still chained in my thoughts.

You want to challenge all that you have been nurtured with , you don't understand how can they make it look so easy and effortless and question the duality of ones life.

With a given few decades liveable left what is the meaning of fulfilment.

Should you achieve whatever you desire. My failures have always had an excuse of being righteous and honest but this time I feel burdened - why so !

I have lost my soul - my sense of being , nothing but a reflected smile as I mark the check list through my day and look for an excuse to be with the innocent where my mind can free and so can the heart as well.

My little wishes of holding on to nothing - so here I am inviting the chaos of life to hit me .Hit me with all those checklists and milestones that forever kill the connect between my mind and heart !

The mind is the only one which needs to survive ! The heart doesn't need to desire defeat; the heart doesn't need to desire fulfilment - the heart was never meant to be ! So you leave it in that room and walk away !

Walk away to the logic of survival ; walk and hold the whims of the next destination that perhaps might haunt less.

Why the pain !

Immerse yourself in the positive .

Immerse yourself in the constructive.

What are you running away from ... and what are you chasing !

There is something that only you know ! oh common don't lie .. your world stops ! yes it does !

The world stops for the fools ! and yes we are living in foolish times now where everything is breaking or creating - why this effort of trying to understand ! you don't have to understand everything ! it's ok to be foolish they say !

But thats not who I am - why accept anything and why not change !

In this limited time we have why do we accept the stuff quo - I refuse - because status quo is painful !

Status quo make me realise that people who don't take responsibility and wait for life to happen  are cowards !

Not everything is a failure or a success but the battle within in real - and yes battle and fight till you arrive ..

It's a difficult one cuz the war is within and its a painful one .

There are often no rules and reasons , and the fall is real just as real as the high was ..acknowledge defeat !

And surrender .. surrender because you know you want to loose because it's ok to loose and accept defeat because its your heart ! 

The pain is welcome because that pain was 'felt' and you wanted to 'feel' and now that you feel you don't know what to do with it ! you have forgotten how to process feelings and yes isn't growing up all to do with that where you forget feelings and accept the facts !

I am defeated - and locked ! 

Clouds ~~..

So today a random thought about the 'cloud' ..
With its unintended and unattended journey ..
With the wind drifting it into the infinity.. How does it feel..
Not sure here if I can associate with something which is not a living being .. But still a part of nature ..it maybe has no life ..but it supports life..
I feel heavy .. So should I pour ..is it the same the cloud feels ..
 Heavy.. And light .. Does it even feel.. The cloud has a life cycle ..
It is formed and somewhere towards the end its deformed .. has company of other clouds ..even has companions ..so may be some of them decide to travel to vegas !! And the others to himalayas .. And some untamed ones decide to play with the waves and cause hurricanes.. Cloud Expresses emotions in thunder and rain .. Up above when light and down below when heavy with drops ... Pours and feels lighter .. So are we all clouds .. Maybe someday be light enough to touch the periphery of space and see the magic ..magic of the different universe ... A gift may be for letting everything go ..be light enough without any drops.. If lucky and light  you may join too.. Drifting away .. Somewhere ..

Sail on..

kill it and cry!! fireworks once lit don't wait to fire.. live it all ,with your suitcases packed..come back if you want..if your heart desires...all won't wait so sail on sailor, to the destination you own , the destination unknown

The more connected ,the more disconnecred i feel..

Sometimes I ask myself why... I lie here in my bed unable to sleep..more than often it happens when you are not tired.. But here I am tired as hell... Running very day for 13hours..to compete in this rat race.. I wonder as I invest my life into this routine what is it tht I wish to achieve... What am I deriving out of these voices I hear everyday.. Sometimes there are so many that I don't want to hear anything and just be in peace.. Where is this peace.. How can one be peaceful today..the doze of ambition that we take in everyday has led us to believe that this would help us attain nirvana.. Everyday I see people celebrate life..when we have a new born..today a 15month old child ,who can barely speak or even eat a proper grainualar meal knows how to operate an I pad...what are we creating.. The gap that the future is trying to bridge is coming in fast and it's possession is something that you can't escape... There is no morphine for an ailment called life.. Is that the we work hard everyday so tht we burnout faster.. Or is it to contribute...what is this contribution that we make in this make belief world.. With one dive in the sea the paradigm shifts...And we realise that we are the minority.. With 75% of earth being water ,why aren't we making the products for the aqua world and selling it to them for a few shells.. Isn't that the biggest potential market.. And yes these thoughts .. Today my mind finds a commercial value in peace.. We are so used to encashing each breath that we take that we miss out.. We miss out on our peace which is priceless.. Today as I lie in my bed with this over the top priced device that I have earned out of my sleepless nights I realise ... That I have paid to buy myself sleeplessness.. So what is the solution that I need ..what is the fix.. The rest is a permanent closure.. Catch your breadth ,you are running hard.. And if you can hear your heart beat..then maybe somewhere around ..there is 'peace'

Decoding..

Every day when i move ahead with life and interact with people ,i hear them speak- i fail to understand this thing called love.. to each there own kind of love..
now wht is it i wonder.. what is the defination.. what are the parameters of this thing called love..
is the chemistry between two people,or is it passion, is it the words spoken , or is it the dedication..
is it a phase or something more eternal.. to each his own.. i want to know ..
i want to know what is this thing called love..
what is the mystry behind it that draws every human..
is it the history attached which didnt even spare the Romans..
why is it that Paris is the city of love..when there is no time to love there..
and why are there singles is Chicago ,with singles everywhere..
why is that people get married at Vegas which is known for gamble..
and move around churches when al else is in shambles..
oh what is this thing called love..
isnt it funny the thing called love..
some take lives for it and some give in ..
but is it what life is meant for ,they seldom think..
a lot goes on in the name of love.. i wannow what is this love ..
to each their own love..
people cash out on the Taj by naming it love..
hang posters on the wall for the proof of love..
but there are a few who fail to love ..
they say they attain nirvana by traveling miles to escape this thing called love..
but i never see them alone.. because maybe it was all about love..

oh i dont understand the connection.. it is the heart or mind which are not in association...
is it like algebra where only the skilled survive..
or is it as easy as breathing ..and hence it thrives..
the special effects that are a part of the package make me smile..
but then i fell isnt it worth if it gets you to smile..
so to me its the smile that is love..
so why dont you smile..if in love..

My friend !

Hey..writing after long...actually really long.. This post of mine is dedicated to a friend..who kinda reminded me of a side of me which I was going to let go off... Sometimes you need to create strong impressions in the past such that when you start forgetting that you ever had a grip on it..it's lets you know that you did hold on to something ...something close...something you did hold onto so tight ,that you created an impression..an impression of you !! Which was an expression of you .. I feel people around you tell you a lot about you ...the you that you never knew!!!that you that you ,yourself are constantly discovering ! That you that you don't want anyone else to know!! That you that makes you wonder 'who are you' ! Yes !! Who am I !! I have been avoiding to write for the last two years!! I don't really know if I am the same 'me 'still !! And if I am the same me then should I be that way now ! Thoughts thoughts!! And then there is SILENCE ! Have i earned a silent friend ! If not then whom do I talk to now ! I see a lot of chaos around !!life surely ain't getting easy! There are complications all around ! People expecting ! People restricting ! People chanting ... All that they have to... But I hold my friend's hand ! And all is fine... I am not into morphine..but I feel passive!! Passive enough that now my reactions seem funny ! I am angry ,or happy , or sad because that's is display of normal emotions..but do i feel ? I feel i enact ! Do you play fair ?Through life and people you gain ! You gain the drama that you have to carry on till the time you learn something new to enact!! Ape's descendants aren't we ;).. From one survival trick to another ! And all is watched ..and all is expressed ..as with the silent friend we walk along ....don't know for how long...but we walk along...

General Entry ..sumtym in Jan 2009

Sometimes I ask myself why... I lie here in my bed unable to sleep..more than often it happens when you are not tired.. But here I am tired as hell... Running very day for 13hours..to compete in this rat race.. I wonder as I invest my life into this routine what is it tht I wish to achieve... What am I deriving out of these voices I hear everyday.. Sometimes there are so many that I don't want to hear anything and just be in peace.. Where is this peace.. How can one be peaceful today..the doze of ambition that we take in everyday has led us to believe that this would help us attain nirvana.. Everyday I see people celebrate life..when we have a new born..today a 15month old child ,who can barely speak or even eat a proper grainualar meal knows how to operate an I pad...what are we creating.. The gap that the future is trying to bridge is coming in fast and it's possession is something that you can't escape... There is no morphine for an ailment called life.. Is that the we work hard everyday so tht we burnout faster.. Or is it to contribute...what is this contribution that we make in this make belief world.. With one dive in the sea the paradigm shifts...And we realise that we are the minority.. With 75% of earth being water ,why aren't we making the products for the aqua world and selling it to them for a few shells.. Isn't that the biggest potential market.. And yes these thoughts .. Today my mind finds a commercial value in peace.. We are so used to encashing each breath that we take that we miss out.. We miss out on our peace which is priceless.. Today as I lie in my bed with this over the top priced device that I have earned out of my sleepless nights I realise ... That I have paid to buy myself sleeplessness.. So what is the solution that I need ..what is the fix.. The rest is a permanent closure.. Catch your breadth ,you are running hard.. And if you can hear your heart beat..then maybe somewhere around ..there is 'peace'

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear..

If you have ever had a look at a rareview mirror i am sure you would have noticed this line..:"objects in the mirror are closer than they appear"..

i have somehow always smirked ,everytym i have had a look at it..

facinates me to let my gypsy imagination wander away to think what 'closeness' is..

is it just a mere physical evaluation of distance betwen two objects or much more..

then again it makes me feel that 'distance ' in itself is a very subjective word..



everyday when we look at the mirror and we see ourselves..is it that we are close enough to ouselves..

If yes then y is that people have the feeling of 'emptiness'..one should never feel alone..cus they various objects surround them...the physical proximity ....

but since we are not comodities we love to define ourselves with more of compassion..the physical closeness slowly liberates itself to the freedom of belonging ...

Trappedd...

Its again a constant struggle....struggle for a gypsy's sould traped into a social body...
sumtyms i feel tht is it a curse tht god gave me enough(food,shelter) so tht i could survive..had i not had tht comfort i would have been a scavenger too...facing survival and not thoughts...
even a calm individual subjecting to traits of anger can get repulsive when held up in a prison..

And today i have no doubts about the mental prison doing the same to me...
the gypsy's soul is wearing off its spirit and the enthusiasm is bruised with this limited survival..

The strong soaring wings are tempted to rule the sky,,,but the clipped and crippled reality taunts the mere thought..

The wild cannot be tamed..
Simetimes survival is just not phisycal..its mental too..

And the slow prisoned poisioned living makes a suddend end of life more tempting....

the dimensions of respect..

'respect' the word in itself has an 'honorary feel to it...
so when i use the word 'honorary' i am immediately reminded of all those addressing where individuals are as stated as "honorary" ...
In a social event ppl stand up or clap to reciprocate the word...
So now does that mean tht they are 'respected' too..because most of them are achievers...
Are achiever's entitled to such a term for their contribution and if yes then what does one has to justify on the fact of a simple 'child' demanding in an unruly manner,and he's said to be disrespecting the elder or the person who's been a victim of their' sugar cube tantrums...'

wasnt it the 'love' with which one had to earn 'respect'..
didnt god bless parents with expensive porcelain to which they could mould and create beautiful shapes..
and even if the shape doesnt look tht pretty ,dont they just realise tht they are the ones who have created this piece..
more than often 'not'...
and rather than enduring their creation they go on to sulk ,about how 'not nice' their pot is...and how the other pots are so pretty....and one can even store water in them.....the other pots are winners...cuz they are blessed with beauty as well as utility....
what the parents forget is if their pot is such..it was them who lack, in their' creativity'...

how do they expect the porcelain pot like child to accept /respect them ..when the love with which the they were to be moulded itself was coarse...
my repeated comparison of a child to porcelain clay stands because...of the fact the its porcelain tht is exclusive,gentle,beautiful & a piece of reflection of imprint of every hand tht has touched its surface..

and with this example i picture every single preacher and learner equation...a student teacher,employee- employer,husband wife and so on...

the term respect comes only after a bond has been nourished with compassion..
one can always be subjective...isnt it why the whole world wants to know what lies within or ahead whether its in form of astrology or sun sign or even taking up funny quizzes in magazines...

and when the shape of your porcelain(relation) is not as u had desired...u feel failed...
and rejection and decline of your own creation makes you feel even more worthless...if u r a parent u fell tht u could not do well with the upbringing of ur child, a boss was not competent enough for his subordinate,,and husband and wife feel undesired..
whatever the case is the pain is mutual...
after all all we cant defy Newton with his equal and opposite law...can we..!!!

So why dont i feel tht my porcelain pot is rather "unique" than " distorted"...and with this belief their might just be an observer who would glance at it and comment -----"is tht the most cutest lill pot ,,,right thr in the corner with a star like glaze to it"...
and thts exactly the moment your very own porcelain pot would look back and tell u--"tht its your care and affection tht i shine like a star"


" respect " is the emotion you feel.. and its eternal...no honorary word or statement can ever come even close even when uproared by millions...

enchanted..

firefly... u knw they always used to fascinate me so much..i use to love playing and adoring them ...they seemed magical to me..i mean comeonnnnnnnnnn...they glow...they fill the darkness with such soothing lights..and they fly..like angles...they r like stars...inn the sky...twinkling...u always feel drawn to them for no reason...get to knw..i saw them glow...it was my innocence,,my fairytale world once againnnnnnnnnn..the moon's not been talkin to me...the tress do...so i tried telling them..the i saw my worlddd....and things in themmmmmmmm.saw them after 9 yrs...u ll never b able to feel themmmm...i wanted to ask them y had they gone so far away frm me....i had almost forgot they exsist,,and y did they come now..i wanna b close...b enchanted,,,feel lostttttttt...so so llost...losssssssssssstttttttt,,,and not pretendd...just flyyyy...and glow....so natural..so sweett so amazinn... dew drops...

Sucess...slow poison to passion??

Decisions are often followed by confusion & dilemma.on whether the decisions incurred by an individual are in favour or against the tide ,of the vast ocean of life..

The fact is that one has to be prepared to face mishaps of the barbaric ocean,and conquer them to view the glorious horizon of victory….

Only on achieving this is an individual’s effort acknowledge,cuz now he can bestow and guide many more to explore and achieve….

Swayed by the glory and and illusioned by aura …every individual wants to start and achieve the very same contentment….
And while wishing so they fail to measure up the fact that to measure up to the sea one has to be visionary + navigator,,,least a excelled sailor…

And then you realize that it was never your interest to even swim…


Now just ask yourself is a person who has never ever been interested in sea, able enough to explore and understand what treasure and turmoil the Goliath has in store..at least David was skilled enough to sling pebbles and save his life ,,but what does one do when no skills come related…

This is just an example for all the students and also every individual (as I fell one always needs to keep the student inside him alive to grow….)who are indecisively torn over passion & practicality.. at times like these when talent is being taken over by grades achieved how does one survive and not only survive,,but also excel..

The choices one makes during his career are considered as the most important ones,,because after these are the skills he’s acquiring to last by him all through…
These skills would determine the prosperity of this certain individual…

If you interact with the kids today their vibrancy is contagious…the awareness and exposure they have these days is quiet enviable…the ease with which they adapt and operate every new gadget without even going through the instruction manual is something the older generation would always be amused of..
The drive and confidence they posses is something which cannot be bartered with..

But also is an interesting observation of how important monitory success has become to the generation today..
As India steps into a new era ,,and globalization being so prominent,,one wants and desires differently..
A simple meal is replaced by fancy dinners,,,and casual talks in parks have converted to coffee house conversations..

One cannot escape these obvious sights…and make us realise that smiles are proportional to the swipes of ur master card..and rare for thoose who afford their passion...

dimond drops...

When the illusionary sky gets full of thought ,it gifts me with its diamond drop...

To guard the survival of emotional hop, as the farmer protects his yielding crop..

Held by the oyster of these enchanting eyes,the rare drops fill in the presence of broken ties..

And to clear these glitters there's no mop...cuz these are not tears ,they r diamond drop..

If they are priced on their cut and polish, are thr any refunds to their dreams which remain demolished...
cuz they they r not just stones,they r precious to shop,,they are

These drop's are glacier's when emotions are cold,poised as they appear with their stories untold..
One spcific sound can cause the slop..cuz these are the sensitive diamond drops..

They glide in a pattern recklesly and do not stop,,not realising their worth when lost are the self indulged diamond drops...

they fill in the occasion in every form they exist...tht's y they are the drops ,which none can resist ...

In the bowl..

we never cry we never howl ,cuz we r d only two fishes in the bowl..

thr's no bait ,thr's no fear,,cuz to our captivator's we are dear..
circling around waving our fins...we move to ur ammusement limited in our rims..
to glorify ur sight u chose us on our colour ,and not on our life...
and we r the only one's who r not afraid of ur knife..
OOO sooo
we never cry we never howl,cuz we r d only two fishes in the bowl...

Thr's no need for us to barter & brawl , cuz every 3 seconds we r on a diffrent creative prowl..
with a blessed memory of only pleasures..isnt it a life of limitless treasures..
we never cry we never howl,,cuz we r the only two fishes in the bowl..

with no other element touching our territory,,to protect us we do not need a millitary..
and as we pass on with our thoughts into history..u would always go on trying to wade through our mystry..

to explore us u have to maybe commit a few sins.. but to drown in it is the only way in..
to swim in this bowl my dear..come invade and drop the rest in rear...
cuz in this sweet blue world ,,thr's no fowl,,
and hence my frien..
we never cry we never howl,cuz we r the only two fishes in the bowl..

Some times red sometyms blue...my mind cannot choose either among the two..

Its been long since i wrote..

Life got a little busy with events which left impact.

Marriage is one deceitful yet delightful word which leaves one with no clue on what to expect out of this bond.

Surprising it is how your surroundings change..

and alarming it is to think how you change..

In the process of trying to make life simpler we reach out to other bonds..

have you ever tried to wonder that we all apparently get into this whirlpool of relationship cause it somehow on the surface seems to sooth us..

in turn the responsibility doubles when one one has to wake up to the demands and desires of someone so unexpected...

And before you realise and figure out this new soul ..maybe u would be chosen by god to nurture another one...

It makes me wonder why is this association needed...and why are such responsibilities invited ..

Why is that an individual is socially incomplete somewhere without this "tagged better half"..

are we not complete the way we are..

The whole theory of understanding someone and attraction are explained by sections of science..but no scince explains this 'drive'..

The drive of this unnecessary celebration of union..

I often joke about the fact that , marriages are made lengthy, difficult and expensive so that people don't even think of having a second one..

Hey i m not a negative soul who doesnt believe in a relation..in fact i am quiet ammused with this miracle of "marriage"..

Being inclined to travelling ..i just know, how something which is unexplored is sooo inviting..

and hence i guess that's what a wanderer like me understands..though i detest permanence...but to wander alone without a caravan can also be quiet boring for a gypsy ;-)